Day 31: 1/31/13. Thank God for these…saved me many times at work!!
Day 31: 1/31/13. Thank God for these…saved me many times at work!!
I am sitting here crying my eyes out and I really don’t even know why. I feel more alone than I have ever felt my whole life and I just feel like the whole world is caving in on me. I feel like I am always there for everyone in my life…even if it puts me in a bind, I make sure I am there for them first because that is the kind of person I am and the kind of heart I have. When it comes down to it though, I feel if I need someone…really need someone that I would be completely alone…just like now. (Jenn, this doesn’t apply to you…you are hundreds upon hundreds miles away.)
Mike saw me breaking down and he asked me if I am okay with him leaving and asked me if I want him to stay. I said he can do what he wants. I do not think I should have to ask. Maybe it is unfair of me to say, but I know if situations were reversed there is no way in hell I would go anywhere if he was like I am right now. You couldn’t PAY me to leave. He CHOSE to leave. It felt like a slap in my face, and really just made me break down even more and feel even more alone. He CHOSE to hang out with his friends instead of find out what is really wrong with me and comfort me. To me, that was like him CHOOSING his friends over me. Maybe that is ridiculous, but I am just thinking of what I would do. I would never put my friends in front of him if he was feeling down and upset…and especially not crying. I am sure he wouldn’t see it that way though, and if I even meant it I would be just some crazy person and it would cause a fight.
I have been really missing my mom. Her phone has been off for almost two weeks, and I posted on Facebook to which my aunt replied that she has a food stamp phone and talked to her today. She gave me the number, so I called. It just really hurt my feelings that she didn’t call me. Felt like another slap in my face. My little sister also doesn’t have minutes on her phone, but even when I have needed her the most she wasn’t there for me at all.
I’ve been thinking about my dad a lot lately, and that just makes me feel more alone but that is a whole different story.
Anyway, more relationship issues…if you want to read, I’m giving you the choice again.
Today was a pretty good day. The weather here was crappy, but my calorie burn was on point today! I had high anxiety when we got to the gym because it was so full we literally had to park on the grass. I hate a lot of people at the gym and feeling uncomfortable. It seriously makes me want to just sit in the car because my anxiety goes through the roof. When we pulled up and were circling the parking lot, I told Mike that I was having anxiety and I really wanted to cry. He told me to just go check it out…so I did and there wasn’t many people in the part we go. There must have been a swim meet or something. Then I lasted longer than I usually do. The past week it has been me going to ask him for the keys because I’m feeling bad and done..this time he was ready first. When we were leaving he told me that he is proud of me because he knew that was hard for me to go in with my anxiety. It made me feel really good.
Yesterday at the gym some old man started talking to me. He asked if I had ever heard of sleep apnea. Turns out he is a neurologist that wrote his own book about sleep apnea. Mike came over when he was talking to me and he actually told us some pretty interesting things. He told me a lot I didn’t know about it. Very, very random, but kind of cool haha.
Today was day 6/30 of 30 Day Shred. It is getting boring to me, I think. I keep putting it off until later not really wanting to do it. I’m ready for level 2 and tired of level 1. I am sucking it up and doing it, though. I can definitely tell a difference in my endurance.
Tomorrow is Thursday…the day that I dread. It means Mike is going to hang with his friends. This week has been such a better week for us. I decided to just back off. I cannot control anything that he does, whatever is meant to happen will happen good or bad. Hopefully things work for the best, but all I can do is hope and pray. I know I will worry tomorrow when he is out. I would like to think that I would be able to tell if he did drugs, but it scares me. My mom was doing drugs for many years and I was just plain naive and it hit me like a truck when she told my sister and I that she had to go to rehab. It just really scares me. I always try to believe the best in people, but I have been naive, hurt, and just wrong so many times that it is hard to do anymore. I always seem to assume the worst now days so that I don’t assume the best and get let down. Being surprised in a good way is much easier than being surprised in a bad way, but always assuming the worst just causes tension between us. I saw this image on Facebook the other day that said if you want someone to overcome the past then you have to stop talking about the past or something like that. I get that. I completely get that, and I get that if I keep assuming the worst will happen that maybe one day he will get tired of me and just do it. I do trust him, I trust that he will not intentionally end our relationship, and he knows how I feel about drugs. I will not tolerate it at all. He has also lied to me before though, and that worries me too. I do not trust his friends at all, and him being around his friends is what scares me. I feel like sometimes even if he says no his friends keep on him and eventually he gives in. Hopefully not with drugs, but I really can’t keep fighting with him about it anymore. I have to let him make his own decisions and I guess our future depends on his choices. I know I will be freaking out tomorrow, but I am going to try and keep my mind occupied so that I do not think about it as much. I hope that one day he will not want to be around all of that stupid crap, that one day he will want better for himself and will want to hang around more positive people…people that actually give a damn about him and people that would have his back if he needed it, but who knows.
Sometimes I fear that I will not stop worrying, or will not completely trust him when he is out unless we move away from all of these negative influences. That really scares be because we can’t really afford to just pack up and move away, and even if we could I’m not so sure that he would be happy away from his “friends”.
I am so exhausted. I am only on day 5/30 of 30 Day Shred and I feel like it is day 100. Not giving up, though.
Gonna keep this short and sweet again tonight because I feel absolutely exhausted.
Today the air conditioner went out at work. Now usually, they keep it hot in there and we all die, but this was UNREAL. My supervisor finally let us go when it was between 82-89 degrees in there. I felt like I was roasting and I hate sweating at work!
The 30 Day Shred was hard today. I kept putting it off and really didn’t want to do it, but I sucked it up and did it. I am only on day 5, but I feel like it is day 100 and I am getting bored. I can’t wait for level 2.
Came home for lunch today and saw Macaroni on their scratching post thing. She NEVERRR lays there, so it took me by surprise. 🙂
Not going to make a lengthy post tonight, as I am busy filing my taxes. Woo hooo!
Went to Wal-Mart today and got my free products from my BzzKit. I am so in love with them!
So right now I am literally typing this from my bathtub. Soaking in some relax & relief bubble bath with the lights dimmed. Today was day 3 of 30 Day Shred and I think it was the hardest. While I do have more endurance now, my muscles are so sore that the strength part of it was sooo difficult to get through. I got through it though, so that’s all that matters….right?
The next part is going to be too long about my roller coaster with my fiance yesterday. Decided to make it into a separate thing as to not take up space/bore people. Keep reading, if you wish. Continue reading