So right now I am literally typing this from my bathtub. Soaking in some relax & relief bubble bath with the lights dimmed. Today was day 3 of 30 Day Shred and I think it was the hardest. While I do have more endurance now, my muscles are so sore that the strength part of it was sooo difficult to get through. I got through it though, so that’s all that matters….right?
The next part is going to be too long about my roller coaster with my fiance yesterday. Decided to make it into a separate thing as to not take up space/bore people. Keep reading, if you wish.
Anyway, about the roller coaster from yesterday. The day was going really good until Mike asked me if one of his friends could come over and watch UFC. First of all, let me explain that UFC is “our thing”. I have always enjoyed watching that with him. Now this friend…yesterday morning we woke up and just stayed in bed talking for a while. He was talking about how he wanted to fight his friend and how he has drugs in his face…buys drugs, but yet owes him money and can’t pay him back. The last time Mike was going to hang with this “friend” of his Mike and I got into an argument because I was extremely sick and it was nasty weather out and I didn’t want him going out and getting sick and making me sicker. It ended up being a huge blowout and I threw some of his stuff downstairs. He told his friend that he didn’t trust me with his stuff so he would be staying home. I feel like now his friend probably thinks I am some controlling psycho bitch or something and I am kind of embarrassed. I also don’t want him over because of what Mike told me yesterday morning.
Now a few days ago I asked Mike if he had heard from this friend of his. I asked him why he hadn’t hung out with him in a few weeks and he pretty much said because I am keeping him from his friends because every time he goes to hang out, we fight. It really hurt my feelings. I don’t think that is true. It used to be, but I think I have been doing better.
So anyway, when he asked me if this guy could come over, I was uncomfortable with it and instead of being the controlling psycho bitch that says no I just said “why don’t you go watch it with him?”. I didn’t really think he would because UFC is “our thing”, but he decided to go. It really made me sad, but I felt like there was nothing I could do or say. I felt stuck…and so, so down.
He ended up coming back before the main round, so that was a nice surprise, but it was only because they weren’t even watching the UFC fight over there.
Now let me explain the reason why I have a problem with his friends. Most of our problems have been about drugs. When my friend first told me about him she told me that he did cocaine. I was single, and didn’t have anything going on so figured I would at least meet him. We started texting, then met a month later when I moved back to Florida. Everything was going so good. I never expected to fall in love, or to get engaged or anything. When we met, I was never around it so I didn’t think about the drugs, but then one time in the beginning when we had mutual friends at my house and they had drugs and I was faced with it, I got so uncomfortable and upset I actually locked myself in my room while they were there. I told him the next day how I felt about it and he promised it was a thing of the past and I wouldn’t be around it on his side. After that, I caught him high one time and it almost ended us. Most of my trust for him left then. He swore then that he would stop, and says that since then he has not touched a drug. He has also quit smoking since then.
The reason it is still an issue today is because pretty much all of his friends do drugs. I don’t feel comfortable with him being around it. An alcoholic wouldn’t be trusted going into a bar, right? It just scares me. I want better for him, and for us and I wish that he did not want to be around it either. He has one of the biggest hearts of anyone I know. When it comes to his friends, it seems to me that he has a really hard time saying no. Even if he doesn’t just want to hang out, instead of saying that he will just turn his phone off. I’ve seen his friends ask him for something, such as money and he says no the first time, but then they ask several more times and he says yes. It scares me so much that if they are so disrespectful to have it in his face like that knowing that he quit, that they would go as far as offering it to him, or trying to push it on him. It really scares me because I was raised around drugs. I cannot stand drugs, and I know if they are in our life we will never work. I could not have a family with him if drugs are involved because I do not want to raise kids the way I was raised.
He says I do not give him credit. I try, but it is so hard knowing who he is going to be around and knowing there will be drugs there…and knowing he has lied to me before. His friends are not positive, they all just use him and I know they would not be there for him if he really needed them and it pisses me off because I care so much about him and I do not want anyone using him or treating him like crap when he has such a huge heart and has always been there for them when they needed him. Most of his friends owe him money, and would rather buy drugs than pay him back. I can’t stand anyone treating him wrong. He deserves better and I wish he had more positive friends to hang around.
I told him today that I can’t control him. I’ve tried, and maybe that was wrong of me and of course it didn’t work, so I have to take a step back and let him make the choices. I am tired of fighting and tired of hurting. Maybe if I don’t care so much, I won’t get so hurt and we won’t fight. I hope and pray he makes the right decisions, not just for him, but for us or else we really might not last. As much as it scares me, I know I have to try and just step back and hopefully by stepping back he does not completely push me away. I do not want to lose him. I love him more than anything, and I think we could have a great future and a great family together, but things can’t keep going like they have been. I’m just hoping and praying for the best.