Today was a pretty good day. The weather here was crappy, but my calorie burn was on point today! I had high anxiety when we got to the gym because it was so full we literally had to park on the grass. I hate a lot of people at the gym and feeling uncomfortable. It seriously makes me want to just sit in the car because my anxiety goes through the roof. When we pulled up and were circling the parking lot, I told Mike that I was having anxiety and I really wanted to cry. He told me to just go check it out…so I did and there wasn’t many people in the part we go. There must have been a swim meet or something. Then I lasted longer than I usually do. The past week it has been me going to ask him for the keys because I’m feeling bad and done..this time he was ready first. When we were leaving he told me that he is proud of me because he knew that was hard for me to go in with my anxiety. It made me feel really good.
Yesterday at the gym some old man started talking to me. He asked if I had ever heard of sleep apnea. Turns out he is a neurologist that wrote his own book about sleep apnea. Mike came over when he was talking to me and he actually told us some pretty interesting things. He told me a lot I didn’t know about it. Very, very random, but kind of cool haha.
Today was day 6/30 of 30 Day Shred. It is getting boring to me, I think. I keep putting it off until later not really wanting to do it. I’m ready for level 2 and tired of level 1. I am sucking it up and doing it, though. I can definitely tell a difference in my endurance.
Tomorrow is Thursday…the day that I dread. It means Mike is going to hang with his friends. This week has been such a better week for us. I decided to just back off. I cannot control anything that he does, whatever is meant to happen will happen good or bad. Hopefully things work for the best, but all I can do is hope and pray. I know I will worry tomorrow when he is out. I would like to think that I would be able to tell if he did drugs, but it scares me. My mom was doing drugs for many years and I was just plain naive and it hit me like a truck when she told my sister and I that she had to go to rehab. It just really scares me. I always try to believe the best in people, but I have been naive, hurt, and just wrong so many times that it is hard to do anymore. I always seem to assume the worst now days so that I don’t assume the best and get let down. Being surprised in a good way is much easier than being surprised in a bad way, but always assuming the worst just causes tension between us. I saw this image on Facebook the other day that said if you want someone to overcome the past then you have to stop talking about the past or something like that. I get that. I completely get that, and I get that if I keep assuming the worst will happen that maybe one day he will get tired of me and just do it. I do trust him, I trust that he will not intentionally end our relationship, and he knows how I feel about drugs. I will not tolerate it at all. He has also lied to me before though, and that worries me too. I do not trust his friends at all, and him being around his friends is what scares me. I feel like sometimes even if he says no his friends keep on him and eventually he gives in. Hopefully not with drugs, but I really can’t keep fighting with him about it anymore. I have to let him make his own decisions and I guess our future depends on his choices. I know I will be freaking out tomorrow, but I am going to try and keep my mind occupied so that I do not think about it as much. I hope that one day he will not want to be around all of that stupid crap, that one day he will want better for himself and will want to hang around more positive people…people that actually give a damn about him and people that would have his back if he needed it, but who knows.
Sometimes I fear that I will not stop worrying, or will not completely trust him when he is out unless we move away from all of these negative influences. That really scares be because we can’t really afford to just pack up and move away, and even if we could I’m not so sure that he would be happy away from his “friends”.