I am sitting here crying my eyes out and I really don’t even know why. I feel more alone than I have ever felt my whole life and I just feel like the whole world is caving in on me. I feel like I am always there for everyone in my life…even if it puts me in a bind, I make sure I am there for them first because that is the kind of person I am and the kind of heart I have. When it comes down to it though, I feel if I need someone…really need someone that I would be completely alone…just like now. (Jenn, this doesn’t apply to you…you are hundreds upon hundreds miles away.)
Mike saw me breaking down and he asked me if I am okay with him leaving and asked me if I want him to stay. I said he can do what he wants. I do not think I should have to ask. Maybe it is unfair of me to say, but I know if situations were reversed there is no way in hell I would go anywhere if he was like I am right now. You couldn’t PAY me to leave. He CHOSE to leave. It felt like a slap in my face, and really just made me break down even more and feel even more alone. He CHOSE to hang out with his friends instead of find out what is really wrong with me and comfort me. To me, that was like him CHOOSING his friends over me. Maybe that is ridiculous, but I am just thinking of what I would do. I would never put my friends in front of him if he was feeling down and upset…and especially not crying. I am sure he wouldn’t see it that way though, and if I even meant it I would be just some crazy person and it would cause a fight.
I have been really missing my mom. Her phone has been off for almost two weeks, and I posted on Facebook to which my aunt replied that she has a food stamp phone and talked to her today. She gave me the number, so I called. It just really hurt my feelings that she didn’t call me. Felt like another slap in my face. My little sister also doesn’t have minutes on her phone, but even when I have needed her the most she wasn’t there for me at all.
I’ve been thinking about my dad a lot lately, and that just makes me feel more alone but that is a whole different story.
Anyway, more relationship issues…if you want to read, I’m giving you the choice again.
So for the past week, I have decided to back off a little. In the beginning he used to get upset with me because when we would get into an argument I would just go upstairs. I like to process things on my own before I talk them out because I feel like if I just talk them out first when I am angry then I might say stuff I don’t mean. So, I changed that…and now we do fight a lot more. So for the past week I decided to back off, not get as angry…just take some deep breaths and keep my mouth shut. I’ve also been showing more love towards him. We definitely haven’t fought as much, but I feel like it is destroying me and maybe that is one of the reasons I am having this freaking breakdown. I feel like I cannot say anything right at times. I feel like if I say anything, it is always the wrong thing and either he gets mad, tells me I am throwing a fit, or thinks I’m just crazy. It makes me feel so worthless.
This paycheck, I did not have any extra money at all…not even a dollar. I actually had to put the ten dollars cash I had back into the bank to cover my half of the bills. Last night, we called Directv to see about cancelled some of our premium movie channels to lower the bill. I want to SAVE money. I thought we were both on the same page, but then today he texts me and tells me that our bill is going up $6 because he got some sports package. $6 may not be a lot, but it is a lot when you don’t even have an extra dollar to your name. I felt like it defeated the purpose of even trying to cancel anything. What bothered me the most though, is that we are engaged to be married and he did not talk to me first before making a decision. I thought we were a team. I know I would ask him before doing anything, but I have always showed him that respect whether he asked me to or not. I always ask him about things before I do anything. It took many fights for me to get him to give me that same respect even one time.
He has a way of making me feel like such a piece of shit lately. I feel like I have lost my voice with him because anything I say either causes a fight or I’m just crazy for even feeling that way. I didn’t flip out on him about the Directv thing, I just was kind of like damn..I thought we were a team. What was the point of cancelling those channels last night? Then I apologized and told him to keep them if he wants, whatever makes him happy…and he actually said it is okay because he is used to it. That made me feel so much crappier. I’m like wow, I have been trying so hard to pull back and not get so worked up and angry and he just says he is used to it. He used to bitch at me because I didn’t appreciate or give him credit for how much he has changed, but I don’t think he notices it with me either, so maybe this is how he used to feel with me.
Since living in Connecticut, I have become very independent and now I feel so worthless. Not saying everything on my mind to him this past week has been hard and it really made me feel like crap…like I CAN’T say anything, and like I have no voice.
I was in tears at work today because I felt so worthless after he said he is used to it. I texted Heather and asked if she would be upset if her man ordered something with the tv without telling her and she said she gets pissed if he even orders a movie without asking her. Mike literally made me feel like an idiot for feeling the way I did…like I was in the wrong for thinking we were a team and should ask each other before we make decisions.
I don’t know..we are engaged to get married, but maybe we aren’t ready. I feel bad because maybe I forced it on him. I wanted to see if he was committed and now that we have this commitment, I feel like maybe we rushed it. He says it is what he really wanted, but I feel like maybe he isn’t ready to be part of a team. He used to always use the excuse that he is used to coming and going as he pleases because he lived with his parents, but you know..I have never had to answer to someone like this either, but I still give him that respect.
I know guys think different than we do, but this is just really freaking hard. He is the best man I have ever been with, and I want to spend my life with him, to have a family with him and I love him more than anything…I honestly and wholeheartedly do not want to lose him, but I feel like I don’t know what else to do. I feel like I can’t do anything right by him…and I can’t say anything either. He asked me tonight if I was okay with him going to his friends to hang out and I am just thinking the whole time as I am crying and breaking down, even if I wasn’t I can’t say anything because then he will just say I am keeping him from his friends. I can’t say how I feel because it will just cause more issues or he will turn it around and make it out like I am saying he is just a big piece of shit and the worst boyfriend ever, and I HATE that because I have never felt that way.
I am truly starting to have a lot of resentment towards his friends…and that is a huge problem. Like I said, if we stay in this state and things keep going like they are…I really fear for our future and it scares the shit out of me because even though he wasn’t here for me tonight, I feel like he would be here for me most out of anyone else I have around here. I know he does love me, and I don’t think he would intentionally do anything to hurt me…even though he has lied to me and that should count, but yeah. I am really scared, and I don’t know if I am coming or going right now.
Hell, maybe I am just the crazy person him and his friends think I am. Maybe it is all just ME. 😦