Posts Tagged With: Anxiety

So-called friends

Mike and I have been doing really good. Well, better than we were a few weeks ago. We still argue every now and then, but there hasn’t really been a big blow-up in a while. Tonight his friend’s mom is in town, so he asked to go over there and hang out. You would think since the guys mom is there that I would not worry about anything, but last time I went with Mike to see his friends mom, his friend and girlfriend snorted a frickin’ pill right in my face. Also, I didn’t find out until after the fact that the whole night I was sitting my his friend’s cousin who just so happened to be one of Mike’s ex’s. Ugh.

I just hate his friends, there is no other way to put it. There is really only one that I think I like. The others just use him and are no good.

After the gym, I wanted Chinese food so I ordered it and Mike was making a salad and I told him bye because I knew he would be gone by the time I got back. I went out to my car and just the thought of him going over there gave me such a bad anxiety attack that I sat there, tears streaming down my face, and trying to breathe for 5-10 minutes. I don’t know how to get over this. He told me the other day that this “friend” flicked a cigarette on him, and that he doesn’t have any friends, and that when he came home he just wanted to stay home. I feel like he plays with my emotions because then I asked him today if he was going to start hanging out with this guy again and he says every now and then. I hate the back and forth…it really screws with me. I need like days to prepare myself for him going out. I know I am a crazy person. I really wish we could just move.

He told me this friend might be going away to prison. I know it is horrible, but part of me wishes he would just so Mike won’t hang with him. I think he is one of the most negative influences and we were good when he was in jail. Jail obviously hasn’t changed him, so I told Mike maybe he needs to go to prison. I don’t feel bad for him because he brought it on himself, and then he lied to Mike about what actually happened. Some best friend.

I know I am just ranting, but I needed a release…and this is the perfect one.

Other than this bullshit, my day was good.

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Good day.

Today was a pretty good day. The weather here was crappy, but my calorie burn was on point today! I had high anxiety when we got to the gym because it was so full we literally had to park on the grass. I hate a lot of people at the gym and feeling uncomfortable. It seriously makes me want to just sit in the car because my anxiety goes through the roof. When we pulled up and were circling the parking lot, I told Mike that I was having anxiety and I really wanted to cry. He told me to just go check it out…so I did and there wasn’t many people in the part we go. There must have been a swim meet or something. Then I lasted longer than I usually do. The past week it has been me going to ask him for the keys because I’m feeling bad and done..this time he was ready first. When we were leaving he told me that he is proud of me because he knew that was hard for me to go in with my anxiety. It made me feel really good.

Yesterday at the gym some old man started talking to me. He asked if I had ever heard of sleep apnea. Turns out he is a neurologist that wrote his own book about sleep apnea. Mike came over when he was talking to me and he actually told us some pretty interesting things. He told me a lot I didn’t know about it. Very, very random, but kind of cool haha.

Today was day 6/30 of 30 Day Shred. It is getting boring to me, I think. I keep putting it off until later not really wanting to do it. I’m ready for level 2 and tired of level 1. I am sucking it up and doing it, though. I can definitely tell a difference in my endurance.

Tomorrow is Thursday…the day that I dread. It means Mike is going to hang with his friends. This week has been such a better week for us. I decided to just back off. I cannot control anything that he does, whatever is meant to happen will happen good or bad. Hopefully things work for the best, but all I can do is hope and pray. I know I will worry tomorrow when he is out. I would like to think that I would be able to tell if he did drugs, but it scares me. My mom was doing drugs for many years and I was just plain naive and it hit me like a truck when she told my sister and I that she had to go to rehab. It just really scares me. I always try to believe the best in people, but I have been naive, hurt, and just wrong so many times that it is hard to do anymore. I always seem to assume the worst now days so that I don’t assume the best and get let down. Being surprised in a good way is much easier than being surprised in a bad way, but always assuming the worst just causes tension between us. I saw this image on Facebook the other day that said if you want someone to overcome the past then you have to stop talking about the past or something like that. I get that. I completely get that, and I get that if I keep assuming the worst will happen that maybe one day he will get tired of me and just do it. I do trust him, I trust that he will not intentionally end our relationship, and he knows how I feel about drugs. I will not tolerate it at all. He has also lied to me before though, and that worries me too. I do not trust his friends at all, and him being around his friends is what scares me. I feel like sometimes even if he says no his friends keep on him and eventually he gives in. Hopefully not with drugs, but I really can’t keep fighting with him about it anymore. I have to let him make his own decisions and I guess our future depends on his choices. I know I will be freaking out tomorrow, but I am going to try and keep my mind occupied so that I do not think about it as much. I hope that one day he will not want to be around all of that stupid crap, that one day he will want better for himself and will want to hang around more positive people…people that actually give a damn about him and people that would have his back if he needed it, but who knows.

Sometimes I fear that I will not stop worrying, or will not completely trust him when he is out unless we move away from all of these negative influences. That really scares be because we can’t really afford to just pack up and move away, and even if we could I’m not so sure that he would be happy away from his “friends”.

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Thank goodness it is Friday. Like I said in my last post…my job has really been stressing me out lately. I did kind of get some good news today, though. I found out they are hiring someone to help me. They have one lady already kind of helping me, but she really isn’t doing anything. The new position is for a 6 month temporary full-time position, but hey..I’ll take it! My position also started as temp, but they kept me.

I know things will get better, but I get so stressed sometimes that I just immediately panic and want to quit whatever it is. Maybe that is something I need to work on. I know all of this stress can’t be healthy.

Tonight my fiance and I watched a movie on Netflix called Fire With Fire. Usually when we want to watch something on Netflix we never end up agreeing so we usually just shut it off. He always wants to watch weird action movies haha. This time, I looked for an action movie and saw this one had Bruce Willis, Josh Duhamel, and Rosario Dawson and he agreed. It was SO GOOD! It was so hard to watch at times because disturbing things happened, but I definitely loved it. I was on the edge of my seat a few times!

Tomorrow, if we have enough money..we are going to a restaurant because a bunch of people I used to work with are having a little reunion. We have all always been close; they are like my second family. Some of them I haven’t seen since they gave me a going away party 2 or 3 years ago. I am also excited for them to meet my fiance, so I am really hoping we can afford to go!

With that said, I always get nervous in those type of situations. I get social anxiety and feel like everyone will judge or not like me. Mostly because of the way I look, being overweight, but also the things I say. I often worry if I will have anything to say, or if I will say the right or wrong thing. It freaks me out, so much that I used to cancel things because of the fear. I think a lot of it comes from my dad walking out of my life. My doctor seems to think that once all of my levels are where they should to be, that the anxiety will be gone. She thinks it is caused by my thyroid and everything else being out of whack.

Anyway, it is time for me to watch a chick flick while the fiance is snoring next to me on the couch..haha!

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Visit to the doctor

Well, the past few days my fiance and I have been arguing. Last night was the worst and I ended up not getting any sleep at all. I had an appointment with my doctor at 8:15 AM and my doctor is a little over an hour away. I called out of work because there was just no way.

The appointment was just to get refills on prescriptions and see if my levels have improved with the medication she prescribed. In 2012, I found out that I am anemic, have extremely low B12 and have hypothyroidism. I also got put on blood pressure medicine, but she thinks she will take me off of that once everything else gets straightened out. So, fast forward to today’s check-up. My blood pressure was the best it has been since they have ever taken it! I was very surprised…and happy about that. She said my iron levels haven’t reached where she wants, but those go up the slowest so she expects them to keep improving. My B12 was excellent, but she said next time to make sure I get my labs done when I am due for my B12 shot to make sure the reading is completely accurate; I didn’t know that last time. Then lastly, my thyroid….I was delusional because of my lack of sleep, but either it had gotten worse or just not improved at all so she had to up my dosage on that.

I tell you what, the past few days I have been out of my medicine because I couldn’t get an appointment with the holidays. I have really noticed a difference being off of my thyroid medicine. I got very depressed and extremely anxious. I think that is a lot of the problem between my fiance and I. When I first went to the doctor, I went because I was having extreme social anxiety. She said that she is positive it is because of my thyroid issues, and she believes that once that is taken care of my anxiety will be gone. Being on that medicine, I have seen an improvement, but being off of it for those few days it was like I was bipolar or something without it. I was literally freaking out inside; feeling like a crazy person.

I am kind of glad to see 2012 gone, to be honest. Good and bad things happened for me in 2012. The worst was losing my oldest cat Puppy. It was absolutely devastating for me. The best was probably moving in with my fiance and then getting engaged on November 29th.

Looking forward to a much better 2013!!

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