Posts Tagged With: Arguing

Spoke too soon.

Well, I spoke too soon. Last night my fiance and I got into a huge fight. First he told me he would be gone an hour, then it changed to an hour or two. I was already having anxiety over that and then I looked at my phone and two hours had passed and I just lost it. He texted me and said he would be home an hour and a half later and I got mad and just told him to stay. He must’ve left then, because he wasn’t home long after.

Our fight was huge…we both said things we didn’t mean and I was really worried it was the end of us. It was hard to go to work today because I was up late crying and fighting with him, but I knew I had to train the girl helping me out, and I couldn’t just leave her hanging like that.

When I went home for lunch, we both talked a little and cried, and then we talked more whenever I got off work. We are okay now…for now. I feel like if he keeps hanging around the same people, that we will keep having these same issues. I know I cannot ask him to stop hanging out with them, but I don’t know how to meet him in the middle with it either. I hate his so-called friends and what they are all about. I asked him once to tell me one good thing about them, or one good thing they have done for him and he couldn’t tell me anything. Everything I hear about them is always negative.

We skipped the gym today because we were both just emotionally drained.

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I don’t think I have ever felt so alone.

I am sitting here crying my eyes out and I really don’t even know why. I feel more alone than I have ever felt my whole life and I just feel like the whole world is caving in on me. I feel like I am always there for everyone in my life…even if it puts me in a bind, I make sure I am there for them first because that is the kind of person I am and the kind of heart I have. When it comes down to it though, I feel if I need someone…really need someone that I would be completely alone…just like now. (Jenn, this doesn’t apply to you…you are hundreds upon hundreds miles away.)

Mike saw me breaking down and he asked me if I am okay with him leaving and asked me if I want him to stay. I said he can do what he wants. I do not think I should have to ask. Maybe it is unfair of me to say, but I know if situations were reversed there is no way in hell I would go anywhere if he was like I am right now. You couldn’t PAY me to leave. He CHOSE to leave. It felt like a slap in my face, and really just made me break down even more and feel even more alone. He CHOSE to hang out with his friends instead of find out what is really wrong with me and comfort me. To me, that was like him CHOOSING his friends over me. Maybe that is ridiculous, but I am just thinking of what I would do. I would never put my friends in front of him if he was feeling down and upset…and especially not crying. I am sure he wouldn’t see it that way though, and if I even meant it I would be just some crazy person and it would cause a fight.

I have been really missing my mom. Her phone has been off for almost two weeks, and I posted on Facebook to which my aunt replied that she has a food stamp phone and talked to her today. She gave me the number, so I called. It just really hurt my feelings that she didn’t call me. Felt like another slap in my face. My little sister also doesn’t have minutes on her phone, but even when I have needed her the most she wasn’t there for me at all.

I’ve been thinking about my dad a lot lately, and that just makes me feel more alone but that is a whole different story.

Anyway, more relationship issues…if you want to read, I’m giving you the choice again.

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Weekends go by so fast!

So right now I am literally typing this from my bathtub. Soaking in some relax & relief bubble bath with the lights dimmed. Today was day 3 of 30 Day Shred and I think it was the hardest. While I do have more endurance now, my muscles are so sore that the strength part of it was sooo difficult to get through. I got through it though, so that’s all that matters….right?

The next part is going to be too long about my roller coaster with my fiance yesterday. Decided to make it into a separate thing as to not take up space/bore people. Keep reading, if you wish. Continue reading

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World War 3

Our fights are pretty much always about stupid, stupid things, but they always turn into World War 3. This time we got into an argument because he was venting about his job. Some homeowner was cursing at him, and he said the next day he wasn’t going to push his trash can back, even though it is part of his job requirements. I told him that was stupid because if he doesn’t do his job he could get fired.

He has such a bad temper and it worries me because I don’t want him to lose his temper and do something immature at work and lose his job, especially not if we are going to have a family someday. I cannot afford to take on all of the bills by myself. I think it freaks me out more because when I started living with my mom when I was younger, I would always have to worry if we would have electricity the next month, or if we would have food to eat. Especially when she started doing drugs. It was so stressful as a child to have to worry about those kinds of things, and to see your parent struggling living paycheck to paycheck. I never want my children to have to worry about things that an adult has to worry about.

I don’t know, one thing just led to another and then there was screaming and throwing things, and just complete ridiculousness. This fight was the worst one we’ve had. He called me names that made me cry…I actually told him to get out and I meant it (at that time). It is just crazy how one thing leads to another and then we get to that over something so dumb.

Hopefully we can work on it to make our fights never get to that again. If not, then I am afraid we are doomed. He really is an amazing man, and the best man I have ever been with and I can see us having a wonderful future together…there are just some things we need to get through first in order for that to happen. I only want to be married once, so I take it very seriously.

I don’t want to just put it all on him, either. I know I have a lot of things I need to work on, too. I think my past brings a lot of issues to my relationships and I don’t really know how to get past that. I will give it all I have, though. I was so afraid that we would be over, and if we ended over something so dumb I don’t even know. Agh, thank God we put things aside and talked about it all, and hopefully we are able to move past it and keep it in the past and never fight like that again. We are both so stubborn, and that does not help things.

I really love this man.

Anyway, today is the first day back in the gym since Sunday. We did walk on Monday, but that isn’t the same. I sure did feel the days off when I got back on the treadmill today. Yikes. I did hang in there and I was able to go 2 miles. That is the farthest I’ve gone since I’ve started going back to the gym, so I am pretty proud of that. I really hope that by Saturday, I have lost my goal for the week of 3.24 pounds, but we shall see.

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Jinxed myself.

Well, last night my fiance and I got into a hugeeee fight. So huge, that I was really thinking we might be over.

I am exhausted because I could not get much sleep, so this is going to be short.

The title of my last blog was I will not be defeated, but I think I jinxed myself. Today we didn’t go to the gym and we ate Chinese food. Oops. Back on track tomorrow. Things are better now. I’ll post more about it later.

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Visit to the doctor

Well, the past few days my fiance and I have been arguing. Last night was the worst and I ended up not getting any sleep at all. I had an appointment with my doctor at 8:15 AM and my doctor is a little over an hour away. I called out of work because there was just no way.

The appointment was just to get refills on prescriptions and see if my levels have improved with the medication she prescribed. In 2012, I found out that I am anemic, have extremely low B12 and have hypothyroidism. I also got put on blood pressure medicine, but she thinks she will take me off of that once everything else gets straightened out. So, fast forward to today’s check-up. My blood pressure was the best it has been since they have ever taken it! I was very surprised…and happy about that. She said my iron levels haven’t reached where she wants, but those go up the slowest so she expects them to keep improving. My B12 was excellent, but she said next time to make sure I get my labs done when I am due for my B12 shot to make sure the reading is completely accurate; I didn’t know that last time. Then lastly, my thyroid….I was delusional because of my lack of sleep, but either it had gotten worse or just not improved at all so she had to up my dosage on that.

I tell you what, the past few days I have been out of my medicine because I couldn’t get an appointment with the holidays. I have really noticed a difference being off of my thyroid medicine. I got very depressed and extremely anxious. I think that is a lot of the problem between my fiance and I. When I first went to the doctor, I went because I was having extreme social anxiety. She said that she is positive it is because of my thyroid issues, and she believes that once that is taken care of my anxiety will be gone. Being on that medicine, I have seen an improvement, but being off of it for those few days it was like I was bipolar or something without it. I was literally freaking out inside; feeling like a crazy person.

I am kind of glad to see 2012 gone, to be honest. Good and bad things happened for me in 2012. The worst was losing my oldest cat Puppy. It was absolutely devastating for me. The best was probably moving in with my fiance and then getting engaged on November 29th.

Looking forward to a much better 2013!!

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