I am sitting here crying my eyes out and I really don’t even know why. I feel more alone than I have ever felt my whole life and I just feel like the whole world is caving in on me. I feel like I am always there for everyone in my life…even if it puts me in a bind, I make sure I am there for them first because that is the kind of person I am and the kind of heart I have. When it comes down to it though, I feel if I need someone…really need someone that I would be completely alone…just like now. (Jenn, this doesn’t apply to you…you are hundreds upon hundreds miles away.)
Mike saw me breaking down and he asked me if I am okay with him leaving and asked me if I want him to stay. I said he can do what he wants. I do not think I should have to ask. Maybe it is unfair of me to say, but I know if situations were reversed there is no way in hell I would go anywhere if he was like I am right now. You couldn’t PAY me to leave. He CHOSE to leave. It felt like a slap in my face, and really just made me break down even more and feel even more alone. He CHOSE to hang out with his friends instead of find out what is really wrong with me and comfort me. To me, that was like him CHOOSING his friends over me. Maybe that is ridiculous, but I am just thinking of what I would do. I would never put my friends in front of him if he was feeling down and upset…and especially not crying. I am sure he wouldn’t see it that way though, and if I even meant it I would be just some crazy person and it would cause a fight.
I have been really missing my mom. Her phone has been off for almost two weeks, and I posted on Facebook to which my aunt replied that she has a food stamp phone and talked to her today. She gave me the number, so I called. It just really hurt my feelings that she didn’t call me. Felt like another slap in my face. My little sister also doesn’t have minutes on her phone, but even when I have needed her the most she wasn’t there for me at all.
I’ve been thinking about my dad a lot lately, and that just makes me feel more alone but that is a whole different story.
Anyway, more relationship issues…if you want to read, I’m giving you the choice again.